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90 thoughts we had while watching Volcano and Dante's Peak back to back
All April, we are celebrating the environment and the way the environment is depicted in genre film. We're calling it Cli-Fi FANGRRLS Month, and my personal favorite genre of disaster movie fits right into this delectable month of natural goodness: the climate fiction disaster movie. When nature strikes back, AND THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL.
My celebration of this specific element of genre (the genre of the elements, if you will) will take place over two posts, as you will quickly understand why.
You see, the years of 1997 and 1998 were big for cli-fi, releasing four natural disaster films. But they were not merely four disparate films — these were released two by two, not unlike Noah's very ark, THE ORIGINAL NATURAL DISASTER STORY. In 1997, we had two films about volcanoes and the grizzled leading men who beat them up. In 1998, we had two films about big space rocks hitting Earth and attempting to destroy it and, in at least one of them, the men who go to space and literally beat it up. We're starting today with the volcano movies. Please enjoy a two-part double-feature Cli-Fi FANGRRLS edition of Deja View!
Volcano
- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LOS ANGELES DAY. RANDY'S DONUTS. BUSINESSMEN. A FIRETRUCK. BROOMS. JOHN CORBETT. I CANNOT MAKE IT CLEAR ENOUGH TO YOU WE ARE IN LOS ANGELES.
- Tommy Lee Jones is bad at making breakfast but great at yelling and frankly what more do we ask of a Tommy Lee Jones?
- Gaby Hoffman was the most crucial child star of our very LIVES.
- "Hey officer, how about giving us a ride back to civilization." This movie also has RACE RELATIONS INDICATIVE OF THE CLIMATE AT THE TIME and handles it with the aplomb of an actual volcano.
- Anne Heche had a whole actual MOMENT there didn’t she? But Don Cheadle and John Carroll Lynch are ETERNAL, the only constants we have in this world, and to wildly varying degrees both have seemingly been the same ages their whole lives.
- We got a mean case of volcanoes, y’all. "Gas explosion." NO. IT’S VOLCANOES. Kilauea up in this bitch.
- "I’m Tommy Lee Jones and I want to crawl inside a damn volcano because I’m Tommy Lee G**damn Jones."
- Hey look, beepers are 30% off, that was a lot of money back now.
- This is actually a movie about the fragile infrastructure of Los Angeles and bureaucratic in-fighting. BUT WITH MAGMA! *air guitar*
- Now what would be a better movie is if the volcano woke up a bunch of mastodons in the LaBrea tarpits and then you have volcanoes AND mastodons. Clearly a superior film.
- Tommy Lee Jones melting alive amongst baked rat corpses is admittedly almost as good as mastodon volcanoes.
- "Tomorrow we get to go to OJ’s house." Oh 1997 L.A., you are a treat.
- John Carroll Lynch, that is too much fashion.
- "I’m Anne Heche and I want to crawl inside a damn volcano because I’m Anne G**damn Heche. It’s 1997 and I’m dating Ellen and we are a POWER COUPLE, MAGMA IS NOTHING, MAGMA IS FOR THE STRAIGHT AND WEAK."
- Coming to you live from the Upside Down.
- Dammit sassy short-haired glasses lady, don’t crouch over the magma crack!
- HECHE CAM.
- Damn, how is no one prepared for earthquakes in this imaginary volcanic Los Angeles? Bookshelves, glass bottles, that one fake crystal chandelier everyone’s family had in the '80s — NO ONE IS QUAKE-READY.
- Dammit sassy short-haired glasses lady, this is what happens when you crouch over the magma crack!
- Don Cheadle is basically handling sh** because he has always been Rhodey. Without him, the true dangerous volcano is Tony Stark.
- Oops we opened a Ghostbusters ending.
- Stan needed MORE fashion so he slapped on his best Member’s Only.
- Lava bombs are terrifying but also METAL AF. *head bangs*
- Oh damn the volume dropped out that is NEVER a good sign unless it’s the Beastie Boys.
- That escalated quickly dot gif
- Volcanoes really get in the way of work-life balance. I mean, I struggle but at least I don’t THERE IS A VOLCANO struggle.
- Lava is approaching a dog that looks like Wishbone and I am so glad that scene only lasted as long as it took me to type this sentence because it felt WAY longer in my memory.
- DAMMIT GABY HOFFMAN I DON’T CARE THAT YOU ARE A LITERAL CHILD, LIFE AND DEATH IS IN YOUR DAMN HANDS.
- That man’s gurgles are proof of LIFE. Well done, Gaby Hoffman.
- "You would have loved this, Rachel." Yes, Rachel would have been stoked and fist-pumping at the death and destruction around her.
- THAT’S AN ART JOKE, MOFOS.
- YES! FIRE PRISON! I mean oh no this is all horrifying. *whispers* EFF YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
- Look. Here’s what I’ve learned. Lava is badass. I’m not happy about it. But it’s BADASS.
- "We are dealing with very determined stuff here." Be the lava you want to see in the world, people!
- "Oh great, Mark Fuhrman." RACE RELATIONS. VOLCANO IS BAD AT THEM.
- Spoilers: Stan ‘bout to get real melty.
- Spoilers: Stan ‘bout to start praying. It … doesn’t work out great. Because of the aforementioned melty.
- HEY WHERE THE EFF IS JOHN CORBETT? If Keith David can show up fresh off his shift at the Double Deuce, Corbett can put down his shehnai and show UP.
- Volcanoes cure systemic racism. This movie posits that what ‘90s L.A. needed was a volcano.
- Yes maybe if we just spray the volcano really hard like a bad cat that will fix everything.
- We did it! We beat up the volcano!
- Dammit! We didn’t! We did nothing!
- Anne Heche is standing in 600-degree temps and I feel like that’s not great for her but at the same time, I bet it’s a SUPERB facial. As in it melts your whole face down to the bedrock. CLEAR SKIN AT LAST.
- We did it, we solved racism.
- The movie praised the white skinhead cop as a good man for being nice to a Black man, so, you know, yeah this movie was written by white people, thanks for asking.
- John Corbett is back and also he’s TRASH. Good for you Dr. John Corbett’s Girlfriend for KNOWING WHAT’S WHAT.
- The volcano ate their giant camcorder! YOU OWE THEM LIKE 700 AMERICAN 1997 DOLLARS, VOLCANO.
- "They’re looting in Beverly Hills." I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT. What can you loot in a lava disaster? Toilet paper? IT BURNS TOO FAST.
- Send the lava to the ocean! Boil all the fish! Eat like kings! Be haunted by seabass ghosts!
- YES. KNOCK JOHN CORBETT’S BUILDING DOWN. THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR DOUCHERY.
- Find Gaby Hoffman, Anne Heche! She has to be the best part of Girls in 20 years!
- IBS, man, I’m tellin’ you.
- John Corbett came back for a few seconds to remind us YES, AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, HE IS A DOUCHE.
- So many people are on fire right now and I FEEL LIKE I AM BOTH NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING THIS AND ALSO SUPER SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING THIS.
- Joe Jr. from While You Were Sleeping leaves no man behind!
- Damn, Anne Heche, those are some quality contacts.
- He ran 300 feet to push them literally two feet toward safety, honestly, that’s on THESE CHILDREN.
- "Look at their faces. They all look the same." THANK YOU VOLCANO FOR DESTROYING RACISM WITH YOUR ASH OF EQUALITY.
- Wait where did their dog come from?!
- Randy Newman as an end song is ... a choice.
Dante's Peak
- This movie opens with OMINOUS CLOUDS.
- Did you know that volcanoes spew credits? They do. They do.
- Wow cameo appearances from the Wicked Witch of the West, Freddy Krueger, and Jesus, I didn’t even know they had the same agent.
- This movie is giving us soaking wet Brosnan right off the bat. Point Dante’s Peak.
- Pierce Brosnan has been doing angry grief pushups FOR FOUR YEARS.
- Linda Hamilton has been filmed in FRAZZLE CAM.
- Linda Hamilton is an under-appreciated single mother and mayor and she’s about to be volcano-fied. Her entire career is based on the very concept of having a bad day.
- Viper from Full House is about to get boiled alive. When DJ Tanner dumps someone they get dumped HARD.
- "Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?" As I type from my couch and can’t hang out with my own mom, NO, NO IT IS NOT.
- Look, men are being lowered into a volcano with a robot and only on blurry closed-circuit TV AND I BET IT ALL ENDS JUST FINE FOR HIM.
- WAIT I AM SORRY DID THEY NAME THESE TWO CHARACTERS TERRY AND HARRY? AND PUT THEM IN A SCENE WHEREIN PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING THEIR NAMES FOR THEIR SAFETY? MOVIE. MOVIE, WYD.
- Linda Hamilton’s out here drinking dive bar wine and frankly, it’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen her do in any movie.
- "Fun is what you have when you don’t have two children, a business, and a town to run." Linda, I feel you, and I don’t even have a town. Unless my dogs are a town. They’re not. They’re a village at best.
- Pierce Brosnan is just handsoming all over the place. His handsomeness is what made the volcano erupt. Relatable, volcano, relatable.
- "You know what they say, it’s like riding a bicycle." Damn, he’s lucky he’s handsome with those kinds of come-on lines.
- There are disaster movies where not-scientists won’t listen to scientists and then there’s this movie where actual scientists won’t listen to scientists.
- In the movie about *gestures* this whole thing, instead of refusing to come down from the mountain, all the Grandma Ruths will be those drunk spring breakers on the news, all "we’re not gonna let thish messh up our good tiiieeeme."
- These kids risking certain death to go rescue their stubborn-ass grandma, DAMMIT GRANDMA/DAMMIT FLORIDA SPRING BREAKERS.
- Because what we needed was a spinning death helicopter. EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS BAD AT CHOICES. This movie is held together with string, handsomeness, and bad decisions!
- At least Pierce Brosnan’s truck is made of steel and can also swim. I think he borrowed it from the Bond set.
- "Lauren! Graham!" That’s what I yell every week when we watch Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. Lauren! Graham!
- "This mountain’s never gonna hurt us, believe me." AND FIREBALL KILLS CORONAVIRUS, DAMMIT SPRING BREAK GRANDMA.
- I mean it’s just "Row Row Row Your Boat" but he sings a million times better in this movie than he did in either Mamma Mia.
- THIS IS WHY YOU LISTEN TO SCIENTISTS. And also Roy Scheider because you def needed a bigger boat.
- The movie is like NO TIME TO MOURN, we've got a budget to hemorrhage.
- THIS MOVIE HAS GRAPHICS ON THE COM-PYOO-TOR.
- Wait where did their dog come from?!, Part 2?!
- WAIT OK SO GRANDMA SPRING BREAK'S DOG RAN ALL THE WAY OVER THE ACID WATER TO THE TOWN? I'm happy the dog lived and all but I will never get over this. They should have either made the movie about the dog or someone should have ridden on the dog's back because that little effer made great time.
- Pierce Brosnan just caused an avalanche through sheer clumsiness. Tbh I am certain I would do the same.
- "How long has this light been blinking?" "I don't know. A day or two?" AND YOU JUST IGNORED IT? PIERCE BROSNAN HAS BEEN TRAPPED UNDER ROCKS FOR TWO DAYS? LINDA HAMILTON HAS BEEN IN A BUNKER WITH HER KIDS FOR TWO DAYS?
- Real talk if someone starts singing it will be the exact ending of A Very Brady Christmas.
