The star signs of The Rocky Horror Picture Show

In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.

When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?

With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, SYFY FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.

This edition, we dance the Time Warp — AGAIN!

Credit: Fox

Clare: The moment Frank looks directly into the camera and says “It’s not easy having a good time,” I fully levitated. Maybe it’s because I was a child in the '90s and imprinted on every queer-coded villain thrown at me, but there’s just something about Frank that hits me where I live.

Sara: Yes, it’s true that Frank is the idol of millions, and he successfully flirts with literally every person in this film, which I admire. This is why for about two seconds we were like, “which fire sign is Frank?” before just resigning ourselves to his Leoness like everyone else in the movie had to.

Clare: See, he’s not baby enough to be an Aries, and a Sag would have handled Riff Raff when he started pulling shenanigans at the end of the film. Instead, Frank is like, “what if I convinced you that abandoning our mission for complete hedonism is a good thing…  through song?” and gets distracted halfway through by his own brilliance.

Sara: A true Leo if ever I have seen one, and the trail of bodies he leaves in his wake is indisputable proof.

Credit: Fox

Sara: What earth sign doesn’t need to be reminded every now and again that life isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce? Brad could be a Capricorn, but he’s a little too squishy and a little too quick to anger, so my guess is Taurus.

Clare: Also, at least in the film version, Brad feels super-disinterested in Janet? I think the joke in “Dammit, Janet” is meant to be that Brad is awkward and nervous, even with the girl he wants to marry, but he, like, physically dodges Janet’s (fairly tentative) advances. He seems like he likes the idea of marrying Janet more than the act of it.

Sara: Just like a Taurus, he’s like, here’s the plan, and I’m following through with the plan, please don’t expect emotional reciprocation of any kind, certainly not in public. They’re still kind of cute sometimes. I like it when Brad blushes, it’s adorable.

Clare: I’ve been watching a lot of clips of Rocky Horror stage productions and you know what, Brads are pretty much universally adorkable! I am delighted by his brief flirtation with hedonism, but you know he goes home and just continues being Brad. And you know what? It’s OK to be Brad.

Credit: Fox

Sara: Libras love to pretend that they’re just wishy-washy charmers who could go either way, but anyone who’s ever been unlucky enough to find themselves in an argument with a Libra knows that isn’t the full truth. Janet starts this movie going with Brad’s choices but as soon as she’s on her own for 15 seconds, we see the real Janet Weiss emerge.

Clare: Like Brad, Janet has a pretty childish conception of love. When Brad proposes, she runs into the church exclaiming about how her ring is bigger than Betty Munroe’s. (It’s legitimately cute!) But it’s really only propriety and society that’s keeping Janet from embracing her own desires. Despite claiming that she’s not into muscles (while mooning at Brad, who doesn’t even notice) and being frightened of the Transylvanians at first, she gets the message quicker and better than Brad ever does.

Sara: I will note that Janet Weiss in a slip singing "touch me" did definitely change my life a little bit. Still holding out for that Betty Monroe/Janet Weiss fanfiction.

Credit: Fox

Clare: Rocky is the definition of “head empty no thoughts.” He barely even talks in the movie, though he does in the stage musical. He’s just a sweet hunk with a bad haircut (sorry, Frank, I know he’s to specifications) who just feels everything immediately and powerfully.

Sara: As an Aries, I can say it’s true that we’re all just beautiful babes cast out into a chaotic world, trying to get through life by kissing as many Janets as possible along the way.

Clare: As also an Aries, I can confirm. We’re just too beautiful and sensitive for this cruel world. And Rocky is protective too! And I’ll fully admit to getting a little emotional when he carries Frank’s dead body up the fake little RKO Tower. Even after such an eventful first few hours of life, he feels so strongly about his creator/husband!

Sara: It’s kind of sweet.

Credit: Fox

Sara: Got to love those Pisces moods. Riff Raff doesn’t mention it when his feelings are hurt, but he does keep a secret grudge over a long period of time and that comes out at the worst possible moment, so I feel pretty comfortable clocking him as a Pisces.

Clare: Riff Raff thinks he’s successfully concealing it, but you can see how his low energy cover gets ratcheted up to 11 whenever he sings. Riff Raff thinks he’s all cool and collected, but he murders Frank and Columbia out of pure pettiness and shrieks in dismay when Magenta is like, “...uhhhh, they liked you?”

Sara: Nobody can ever love Pisces enough and that's fine. It is what it is.

Clare: You're a sponge, Riff Raff!

Sara: Soaking up all the feelings and keeping them safe.

Credit: Fox

Clare: Of the Transylvanians, Magenta is probably the most balanced… for an alien definition of balanced. But she combines Frank’s appreciation for hedonism with, like, actual organizational skills? Riff Raff takes the leadership role once they turn on Frank, but Magenta is the bawdy brains behind the operation. I guarantee you Magenta is the one who found the Frankenstein place for them. And that was in the 1970s, house hunting must have been such a pain before the Internet.

Sara: She’s balanced but extremely weird and doesn’t seem to take anything that seriously, which is kind of how I view Sags. We definitely couldn’t get out of Rocky Horror without a fire sign trifecta, and she’s rounding it out by being kind of low-key but also doing whatever the heck she wants off to the side of everything. Sag, Sag, Sag.

Clare: Sag: the fire sign that gets away with being a fire sign because they’ve heard of the word “discretion” before.

Credit: Fox

Clare: POOR, SWEET COLUMBIA, TREATED SO POORLY BY THE WORLD. What did she ever do but love? OK, so her taste in men is not exactly the smartest, but something about her proto-Harley Quinn energy just endears her to me so much.

Sara: I appreciate her incredible sense of style and her high emotional stakes.

Clare: The tiny eyebrows! Iconic. But for all of her effusiveness and openness, Columbia plays her cards kind of close to her chest. I don’t blame her for not ripping into Frank before everything goes to hell, since she’s the lone human living at the Frankenstein place. But that does mean she’s putting a Herculean effort into focusing on the good parts until she just can’t and lets Frank have it.

Sara: I mean, Leos and Scorpios are just this whole thing.