The star signs of The Muppets

In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.

When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?

With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.

In this edition, it's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights: it's the Muppets!

Credit: Disney

Clare: I’d ask what Kermit’s done to deserve his deeply stressful life, except that The Muppet Movie spells out in exacting detail that he sought out both show business and the neurotic maniacs that are the Muppets. But that’s OK because he’s deeply neurotic too! That’s why the Muppets are so relatable.

Sara: His desire to care for others makes him a great leader but sometimes you really have to ask yourself what he’s getting out of it. The whole Muppet show is people coming up with outlandish grievances and sending Kermit into a tailspin.

Clare: Cancers are known for their loyalty and, boy howdy, is Kermit loyal. All Kermit wants to do is put on a show without losing his mind, which is impossible with this zoo crew, and yet, he will never stop… all because he loves his friends and wants to share their gifts with the world.

Credit: Disney

Clare: The only reason we call this zodiac sign Leo instead of Miss Piggy is that she wasn’t around during the First Babylonian dynasty. A big personality? A taste for the finer things in life? A born leader? The star of the show? Deeply protective/possessive of what they see as theirs (like, say, a certain frog)? She checks every single box so thoroughly she could set the standard.

Sara: I like that Miss Piggy advocates for herself. I have questions about why advocating for oneself must always involve throwing other Muppets all the way across the room, but I do still respect it.

Clare: You have to instill fear in the hearts of your followers so they can love you more!

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Clare: I know Muppets in Space is considered one of the lesser Muppet movies, but I do really like the idea of everyone being like “oh, he’s an alien, that’s why he’s a weirdo,” and his family being like “oh, no, the chicken thing is all him, we don’t do that.” Sometimes, weirdness is just a cosmic blessing.

Sara: What? A LESSER Muppet movie? I find this horrifying. I love that movie. Gonzo is so intentionally kooky that he kind of bores me sometimes, but I think he found his stride in Muppets In Space, during which he tried to ditch his friends many times only to realize he can not do better.

Clare: Gonzo, honey, there is no one else on earth who will love you in your full totality like your equally weird friends. That said, there is a duality to Gonzo. He is fully capable of living a normal life. In 2011’s The Muppets, we see that Gonzo left show business to run a very successful plumbing company, but as soon as a fan tells him he liked Gonzo’s old stunts, Gonzo blows it all up. If you give him a single granule of validation, he will turn into a full maniac. This doesn’t mean that a Gemini is irresponsible, but it does mean that the only thing keeping a Gemini from throwing it all away for their true passion is a willful sense of propriety.

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Clare: Here on Star Signs, we often feature Virgos who are extremely put together and, dare I say it, glamorous — Padme Amidala, for instance. But one does not need to exude brunette valedictorian vibes to be a Virgo. Rizzo might be one of New York’s finest pizza rats (Pizza Rizzo, anyone?), but you need a clear and organized mind to be a narrator and run the hustles Rizzo’s always running in the background.

Sara: Rats can be Virgos, too! Rizzo would say so himself, and that’s the kind of blunt honesty that we know and love a Virgo for.

Clare: He can size up a situation in a minute and figure out the best way to handle it: usually with some snark, but he is a sensitive little fellow sometimes.

Sara: He keeps it organized, and he keeps his crew motivated. Without Rizzo, Gonzo would have just wandered off, never to be seen again.

Clare: Case in point: Muppet Treasure Island and The Muppet Christmas Carol.

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Clare: Fozzie might not be a good comedian, but he is a good guy, with optimism in every fiber of his bearish frame. (...do Muppets have frames? DO MUPPETS HAVE BONE ANALOGUES?) Likewise, he does not exemplify the best of what Libras have to offer, but he’s still a good guy.

Sara: The thing that makes me certain that he’s a Libra is the nonstop indecision and anxiety and his claims to abhor drama while actively placing himself in highly dramatic scenarios constantly.

Clare: He’s definitely a guy that likes being in the mix in show business rather than devoting himself to his particular art.

Sara: And he makes a whole career out of bad jokes, which speaks to his personal charm. Dang Libras! You got us again!

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Clare: When it comes to Dr. Mayhem and the Electric Teeth, the good (?) doctor definitely pulls focus, but we can’t forget the band’s lead guitarist, Janice.

Sara: I was going to say that Janice is the only Muppet that does acid, but I had to stop myself because I don’t think that’s actually a true statement. Instead, I will say, she’s the Muppet who is most chill about the amount of acid she does.

Clare: She’s got it down to an art. She’s also a bit eccentric; not in a Gonzo kind of way, but in a quiet way that you don’t quite realize until you’re out for a walk with them and go “ohhhhh noooo.” For instance, whenever she’s caught in the crossfire of Muppets yelling over each other, she usually ends up monologuing briefly about her own life (“Look buddy, I don't take my clothes off for anyone, I don't care if it IS 'artistic'...").

Sara: The non-sequiturs are what you live for with an Aquarius.

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Sara: See, everyone (me) says Capricorns are boring (I’m sorry) but the whole appeal of Capricorns is their focused intensity. As an Aries, I’m running around in circles and yelling while Capricorn is steering the entire show. The joke around Sam the Eagle is that he’s a by-the-book guy, and on a show of nonstop hijinks, that makes us love him all the more.

Clare: See, every band of weirdos needs a straight man to bounce off of. Being a Muppet means that Sam takes his patriotic rule-following to eleven; see Muppet Christmas Carol, where he can’t even break out of his “I AM EXTREMELY AMERICAN!!!” box to stay in character as a British schoolteacher. Or A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa, where he tells Fozzie he can’t read kids’ letters to Santa because opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. He is a stick in the mud and I find him hysterical.

Credit: Disney

Clare: One of the best jokes in 2011's The Muppets is when Rowlf asks Kermit why he isn’t featured in the montage of getting the gang back together and we cut to Rowlf in a hammock simply saying “OK!” when Kermit asks. If that isn’t a Taurus, I don’t know what is.

Sara: It’s true, as someone who is completely surrounded by a wall of Taurus friends and loved ones at all times, I will tell you that they make me feel a lot of comfort by telling me mundane stories that don’t go anywhere and don’t involve any strong emotional conclusions one way or the other.

Clare: Oh my God, that sounds so relaxing. End of a long day, and I get to hear a Taurus tell me about a great sandwich she had? Man, I love Tauruses. Anyway, what makes Rowlf both stand out and fade away from his fellow Muppets is that he’s a very secure guy. And I think a lot of that comes from not having his own success tied up in the Muppets as a group. While he obviously loves to perform with his friends, he’s always a little off to the side doing his own thing. In 2015’s The Muppets (they gotta get better about these titles!), while everybody else is involved in the production of Miss Piggy’s late-night show, he runs a tavern. Despite not being a cat, Rowlf just always lands on his feet with a great attitude.

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Sara: I wish there was more to this but there really isn’t, he yells constantly and bangs on things and that’s his whole schtick. We’re both Aries, and same.

Clare: Every Aries has made Animal faces at themselves in the mirror after midnight, this is a fact.

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Sara: Beaker runs around desperately trying to alert Benson of the impending danger all around them while Benson calmly talks about science to anyone who will listen, and danged if that isn’t the perfect representation of a Pisces/Scorpio relationship.

Clare: You ever just think about what a nightmare Beaker’s life is? He only communicates in yelps and shrieks.

Sara: Never related to anyone more in my life.

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Sara: Sagittarius is generally more truthful than your average Zodiac sign, and that’s great unless you’re their friend or loved one.

Clare: He’s just telling it like it is because he doesn’t have time for obfuscation or for folks that waste his time. Pepe was originally part of a double act with Seymour the Elephant, and while they’re supposed still on good terms, nobody’s really seen Seymour since. I dunno what happened to Seymour, but I’ll tell you this: Pepe has been a spokesprawn for Long John Silver’s. Now that is ice cold.

Sara: Pepe is selling out the rest of the prawns to literal mass genocide and I find that upsetting. Yet why am I not surprised it’s a Sag?