The star signs of Jurassic Park

In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.

When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn't it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?

With their hands determinedly covering up the birth dates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.

In this edition, life finds a way as Sara and Clare journey to… JURASSIC PARK!

Credit: Universal Pictures

Sara: I love this guy!

Clare: Man, do they even make male leads like Dr. Grant anymore? A very competent, calm, older grumpy bachelor who says he doesn't like kids but has to rescue at least one kid per movie?

Sara: Lex is like "they left us!" and he's like "That's not what I'M gonna do!"

Clare: He's boring, and I mean that in the best way. The older I get, the less time for drama I have, so the steadiness of the Capricorn is incredibly appealing.

Sara: Oh my God, Capricorn, you extremely boring, highly resentful, somewhat distant caretaker. You are truly the only ones among us with your lives together and all the rest of us can do is make fun of you for not being more spontaneous. You truly bear the weight of the Zodiac on your shoulders, and some of us appreciate it.

Clare: Also, he hates Ian Malcolm so much that he asks a child who has been stranded for eight weeks on a dinosaur-infested island what he thinks about Malcolm. The absolute pettiness! I love it! Malcolm is obviously a Gemini, and Capricorns and Gemini mix explosively.

Sara: Capricorn/Gemini works sometimes, but it’s definitely one of the weirdest matches I’ve ever heard of in my life. Also, Alan is too good for Ian. Let's face it. Alan's resentment towards Ian is honestly a breath of fresh air and it won over lesbians, who also as a group do not love Ian Malcolm.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: One of the key traits of a Libra is that everyone has a crush on them. I present to you the Dernaissance and I rest our case.

Sara: I am happy to elect Ellie Sattler as Queen of Everything in the Jurassic Park franchise. Hand it over to her. The men ruin everything. She survived the velociraptors. She can do anything. She has my sword, should she need it.

Clare: And my bow, just in case. Man, why was The Lost World about Ian Malcolm and not about Ellie Sattler? I would have loved Ellie having to deal with a backup dinosaur island to rescue her absent-minded girlfriend. Also: she is an actual paleobotanist! A thing that is actually helpful on the dinosaur island!

Sara: We truly live in a broken timeline because Ellie pops in again in the third film as a mom who gave up chasing dinosaurs to talk about her boring husband's career instead of her own. She's supposed to return in the third Jurassic World film and I swear to God if they don't put some respect on her name this time around…

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: Lex has to be an earth sign, because she keeps a surprisingly cool head while being hunted by dinosaurs. I would have just combusted out of fear into a column of flame. She does freak out, but she freaks out because she has no control in an understandably stressful situation. And then it turns out that she's a computer whiz? Of course. It is incredibly Virgo to just casually whip a skill you had no idea they had or were incredible at out of their back pocket.

Sara: Yes, Lex also gets kind of a surprising amount of characterization for a small child in an action film. When Grant gives her a task, she goes right to it, and that is a fine example of one earth sign showing guidance to another earth sign so that all may prosper and thrive. Out of all the Jurassic Park characters, Lex is the one I wonder about the most. What did she do after this? 

Clare: I mean, she could take over the world with a backstory like that!

Sara: Would not be surprised to run into her sipping a cappuccino at a sidewalk cafe in Burbank, using her laptop to create new apps for the betterment of mankind and staring down tech bros that think they can school the lady who survived a T-Rex attack. Wherever she is, I wish her well.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: One of the things that The Lost World tries to do with Ian Malcolm is make him an everyman by turning him from a STEM bad boy into a single father trying to make things work with his girlfriend — his girlfriend, who, in the '90s, decides to jet off to Isla Sorna as a "surprise" he can't do anything about. I think they're gonna break up, y'all.

Sara: No woman alive won't ultimately break up with Ian Malcolm. It is the way of things.

Clare: She and Malcolm have an argument where she tells him that she's independent, that's not going to change, and, anyway, isn't he into that? (He's not, because he is now an "everyman.")

Sara: Again, she's going to break up with him. She's cooler than him and she's going to have to bounce sooner or later.

Clare: Gemini can sometimes, in a chaotic situation, try to assert their dominance over it by being even more chaotic. "This is how I win," etc. And while Sarah is, for the most part, a pretty sensible if strong-willed scientist, she responds to her rescue team expressing concern over her by talking over them and then immediately bouncing to pet a stegosaur.

Sara: Chaotic Gemini energy, meet dinosaurs.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: Y'ALL I LOVE ROLAND TEMBO AND NOT JUST BECAUSE HE IS ALSO AN ARIES.

Sara: But also because of that.

Clare: Roland is introduced in The Lost World to be a functional replacement for Muldoon, the "clever girl" guy from the first movie, as the big game veteran tackling dinosaurs for the baddies. But he's so. Much. More. In his introductory scene, he delivers a monologue that lays out everything you need to know about him and includes the following lines: "All I want in exchange for my services is to hunt one of the tyrannosaurs. A male. Buck only. Why and how are my business." Incredible.

Sara: I am Aries. I have a goal. This is my goal. Motivations are muddy. Hopefully, that's not an issue. Again, I'm an Aries.

Clare: Second, he gives up hunting. He talks about how big game hunting is the only thing that makes him feel alive and challenged, but when he does finally bag a tyrannosaur, he's haunted. Probably mostly because his friend died, but also because… the journey was the entire point and now he's done it. So he just leaves and goes off to, I don't know, become a chef? Most Aries you know have a backup plan if we ever get so good at our main thing that we get bored. This is why I'm taking a soldering class.

Sara: This is why I'm always prepared to take over a cat sanctuary in rural America if writing falls through. Tembo should get into that! It would be better than animal murder and I think he knows that by the end of the film.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: THAT AIR SIGN JUST JUMPED OUT. This is a dude you cannot convince he's wrong. Either he takes it way too harshly ("Hey, the dinosaurs seem like a bad idea, they're eating people" leads to "OH SO YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BEAUTY OF NATURE?") or just steamroll over people. The opening of The Lost World is Hammond inviting Ian Malcolm to the secret backup island full of dinosaurs. Malcolm, obviously, does not want to see a dinosaur again ever in his life, but Hammond just! Will! Not! Hear! Him! And then he's like "oh, well, your girlfriend is already there, so I guess… you kind of… have to do what I want, thanks, bye!"

Sara: Aquariuses are masters of going through with a situation and then telling you about it like three weeks later.

Clare: That initiative can make them good leaders, don't get us wrong! But they do need a team of people willing to push back or even circumvent them to achieve their visions. Otherwise, you get Jurassic Park. Or the Star Wars prequels.

Sara: They're good leaders, terrible communicators, definitely not above using emotional blackmail, and also generally impossible to reason with. Much like one of the mighty dinosaurs of Jurassic Park.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Sara: I almost said Scorpio, but they work in teams, so that's not possible. Haaaaaaa!

Clare: The velociraptor can elevate any situation without over-complicating it, and that's why they're the breakout stars of the original Jurassic Park trilogy. Even Jurassic Park III, which doesn't need raptors, still goes out of its way to elaborate on how smart and cool they are.

Sara: Both velociraptors and Geminis travel in packs of people that act essentially the same as them.

Sara: In Jurassic Park III, Grant is like "they've been better communicators than we ever dreamed" and that is true of Geminis as well. Sometimes they communicate… too well.

Clare: That movie also establishes that velociraptors literally have a part of their anatomy that just makes them better at communicating than anyone else… much like Geminis.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Clare: The Lost World's plot hinges on John Hammond's jerk nephew trying to exploit nature for money, which results in him kidnapping a Tyrannosaurus Rex family, father and child, to start Jurassic Park San Diego. This entire franchise is predicated on rich dudes having the same bad idea over and over again, which is wild.

Sara: Much like Scorpios themselves, who are known to return to a bad idea every now and again. Then doubling down. Then building their whole life around it. Then selling it as A Good Idea, Actually.

Clare: I am a known sucker for single dad monsters just trying their best, so obviously, I'm a big fan of Dad T. Rex rampaging through San Diego just looking for his baby. The Lost World from the T. Rex's perspective is just Taken. He even uses his emotional reunion with his baby as a teachable moment, breaking the jerk nephew's leg so his baby can learn how to dispatch prey!

Sara: I will say this, Scorpios can be great parents. They're also parents whose babies I would not steal in a billion years because I don’t like the scorpion's tail, I don't need it, I want nothing to do with it. Like most Scorpios, if you just leave the T. Rex alone, there would be no issues.