The star signs of Godzilla

In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.

When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?

With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.

In this edition, [GODZILLA ROAR]!

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: Like every story, Godzilla teaches us a moral. The moral of every Godzilla story is that people just need to leave Godzilla the hell alone.

Clare: ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Godzilla’s not a bad guy or a bad guy; he just wants to relax at home in his underwater valley but HUMANITY CONTINUES TO SUCK. It’s just so relatable.

Sara: The humans killed his wife and baby by nuking the world, so taking a sharp vengeance upon us is pretty understandable. As an Aries, our guy has the ability to act, and, as an Aries, maybe sometimes takes his anger out on the wrong planet. In short, Japan probably didn’t deserve all that. Don’t you know that vengeance just creates a world of victims?

Clare: What I find fascinating about Godzilla is that he’s not really a villain. He’s just a giant lizard who just wants to be left alone in his ocean valley and freaks out when people come to bug him when he’s trying to relax at home. Which... same. All I ever want to do is get back to my own swamp and play Nintendo. But at the same time, he doesn’t really… hate all humanity enough to try and exterminate them.

Sara: Godzilla’s like, “I think you’re really tiny and I don’t know that much about you, but you have giant bombs and now my peaceful ocean habitat is toast and I’m covered in radiation burns, so in my heart, killing you with fire is for the best.” Some scientists are like, “Wow, excellent point,” and some scientists are like, “Let’s nuke him again.”

Clare: Godzilla’s the kid in the group project who’s like, whatever, I’ll do all the work, I know y’all won’t do it. And then all the other kids are like “way to be a condescending a-hole, Godzilla,” but Godzilla’s like “WELL MAYBE I’M AN APPROPRIATELY CONDESCENDING A-HOLE DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT KEVIN?”

Sara: I HAVE TO GO BE MAD FOR AWHILE.

Clare: Honestly, every Godzilla movie features Godzilla processing his feelings in a very healthy way. He just wants his feelings to be validated and appeased and then he’s pretty much good.

Sara: He’s the King of Monsters because he did the whole group project. Godzilla’s busy.

Clare: GODZILLA HAS SUCH A TO DO LIST!!!

Sara: Destroy humanity, check.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: I love Rodan! Even when they’re just all over the place. Even during King of the Monsters and Rodan shows up to throw down and then gets beaten up by Godzilla and is like, you know what, Godzilla? You really are the King of the Monsters. I thought it was me, but it was you.

Clare: Rodan’s like a box of chocolate-covered insects; you never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes Rodan is pro-Mothra; sometimes Rodan is anti-Mothra (AN INCORRECT STANCE). Sometimes Rodan is a little egg; sometimes he’s Fire Rodan. Sometimes Rodan is a couple; sometimes he’s that couple’s baby.

Sara: I wish I could be a couple that gave birth to myself, but I can’t because I’m not a Gemini. Rodan definitely is, though. They change plans constantly. Destroy the city, save the city. Rodan, you are a handful.

Clare: A Rodandful.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: Mothra is beautiful and well-liked but in need of constant company, and that all leads me to believe we’ve got a Libra on our hands.

Clare: Aries and Libra go together like peanut butter and chocolate, so it makes total sense for Mothra, Godzilla’s best bro, to be a Libra. Like Godzilla, she’s mad at humanity, but she can galaxy brain her emotions instead of taking them out on everyone around her — until they really deserve it.

Sara: “I’m going to be beautiful and harmonious while my Aries friend yells. Things will get done and people love me best!” sounds pretty standard Libra. Also, Mothra is a Libra because even though she’s a Kaiju just like everyone else here humanity is completely charmed by her — myself included, for I too love Mothra.

Clare: Who doesn’t?

Credit: Toho Company

Clare: Ah, Minilla, the Chibi Sailor Moon of the Godzilla franchise, not to be confused with Godzilla Junior (who eventually became Godzilla? God, I love franchises with decades of deep lore). Do we ever find out who Minilla’s mom is?

Sara: Nope! Maternity case pending for Minilla. It was weird how he kind of just is Godzilla’s son, but I’m not too worried about it.

Clare: He serves as the Devil’s advocate for all the monsters since he really likes humanity (WEIRDO) to the degree that he pleads on their behalf in Godzilla: Final Wars with the OG (Original Godzilla). And boy, does he get on his old man’s last nerve, which is how you know Godzilla’s an Aries.

Sara: I see Minilla out here every day trying to be the best he can be but not following in his father’s footsteps, which annoys the unfortunately somewhat insensitive Godzilla to no end. Yet Minilla cannot be you, Godzilla, and that is something to celebrate, not to mourn.

Clare: Sara, that’s beautiful.

Sara: In that way, Minizilla is the real hero of Final Wars. I see the pain confronting his pop causes Minizilla deep hurt in his heart, and I just say, shine on, you zany mini-Kaiju.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: Let’s look down the checklist for good old Monster Zero: Beneficial, but also stubborn, full-of-themselves, and isolated. Works for aliens. These are all exact characteristics of an Aquarius.

Clare: Also? Further support for Godzilla being Aries because there is a constant, eternal battle raging between Aries and Aquariuses. Yours truly is an Aries sun and an Aquarius moon, so if I’m reading this chart correctly, that means I’m a werewolf.

Sara: *nods sagely* That is what that means, Clare.

Clare: AWOO.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: I love this guy!

Clare: Like many Scorpios, Kumonga starts off really strong before mellowing out, by which I mean he starts off trying to murder a bunch of scientists in Son of Godzilla but eventually is chill enough that he gets to live on Monsterland, the Godzilla-equivalent of the Avengers Tower in fanfic.

Sara: Kind of like how Scorpios can be super active in their early lives and get a ton of stuff done and then later just kind of spend most of their time thinking about people they’re mad at from 20 years ago.

Clare: Ugh, relatable. Kumonga also gets woken up by Minilla, which is a classical Pisces/Scorpio interaction.

Sara: Kumonga is probably the best Kaiju, but then again I think all of the Kaiju are the best. Scorpios have been very clear with me that they are the best sign, so I believe the best Kaiju is probably a Scorpio.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: Too bad I just did acid.

Clare: In Japanese, King Caesar’s name is actually King Shisa… because he’s a giant shisa, a mythological creature local to Okinawa that’s related to Chinese guardian lions. So he’s a beautiful mythological lion dog kaiju the English speaking translators just decided to call King Caesar because WHY LET THE CHILDREN LEARN ABOUT COOL LION DOGS I GUESS.

Sara: The people had to assemble a whole musical act just to get this guy to awaken and then he still got up late enough that he didn’t really have to do anything but look good and go back to bed. *gasp* Leo! You’ve done it again.

Credit: Toho Company

Sara: I’m going to go ahead and call a Libra trifecta. The Twins, like Mothra, are all about peace and love, and letting the other monsters handle the fighting and let the humans handle the rest. Because it is their responsibility to clean up this mess!

Clare: A real Libra-Libra situation here.

Sara: You’re describing a Utopian Society of Libras, which is doomed to fail because Libras don’t want to lead a utopian society of Libras. They want to be the ones that hang out with the person that leads the utopian society in their off-hours. They need someone to get mad and yell at people that smite them, and that’s Aries.

Clare: NOTHING WOULD GET DONE WITHOUT GODZILLA. IS ALL WE ARE SAYING.

Sara: He’s a real go-getter.