Chosen One of the Day: Snow White (by way of Saved by the Bell)

For those of us who were born in the mid-'80s and came of TV-loving age in the early '90s, Saved by the Bell was crucial television. It had laughs, love, and KISSING which was very intriguing and scandalous when I was 8 years old. Cue the studio audience going WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

One such kissing episode was Season 5's "Snow White and the Seven Dorks," wherein our heroes starred in the school play of the classic Snow White tale. But! To update it for hip modern times, Kelly Kapowski, the whitest person in the history of television, offers a suggestion: Why don't we do a rap version?

Why don't we, indeed. How could we not with such fierce hip hop moves?

Credit: NBC

Feminist icon Jessie Spano is cast as Snow White to Zack Morris's prince, and their teacher keeps them late after class to tell them their kiss is weak sauce and they need to do it again with more feeling and passion, you know, like high school teachers who are in no way predatory do. They practice and, wouldn't you know it, in walk their significant others Kelly and Slater! OMG! The two become massively jealous, Kelly shoves an apple in Jessie's mouth like a luau pig, and Jessie and Zack have no choice but to change the entire ending of the play so that the prince runs off with Kelly's evil queen and Jessie ends up with Slater's Studly, one of the "seven dorks" because bullying is celebrated and encouraged at Bayside High even at an administrative level. Parents and fellow students no doubt were super confused and majorly uncomfortable at this bizarre and nonsensical ending that only served the four teens involved because no one else matters at this damn school.  It's all terrible. I love every second of it.