Chosen One of the Day: Geralt of Rivia’s bangin new armor in The Witcher

We know I love the angry mumbling very clean monster hunter Geralt of Rivia. It is known. It has been a fact ever since he swept onto our screens with that furrowed brow and a jaw so chiseled it could cut into the fog of desperation I’ve felt since March 2020. 

And yesterday, he came back. Netflix posted some shots of Geralt’s new armor and  — I mean — maybe I am a little speechless. But can you blame me? 

Credit: Netflix

Photo: Netflix

Let’s start with the obvious: they contoured out his abs. Do you hear that sound coming in on the wind? Is it a banshee? No, it’s me. I’m screaming. 

Then, the studded panels. Please know how intensely I am holding in a “Tell me about it, stud.” joke here. Give me an award. 

The vambraces, also studded, also wonderful. The studs here are not quite as uniform, but are all the more compelling for it. They sit snugly, protecting Geralt’s sword-heavy forearms from, I don’t know, monster teeth? 

And biiiiiitch, that thigh holster? Where did they find the leather straps hardy enough to take on Geralt of Rivia’s thighs? Where, I ask you? From what minotaur did they harvest the materials? 

And speaking of material to harness in Geralt’s energy, the inside-shirt? (I know there is probably an official term for this shirt, but I am talking about a show with monsters and magic, please let me live.) Anyway, that shirt is being stretched to its limits and that’s all that matters. 

I’ll admit, I’m not sold on the button fly black denim, but who knows, maybe the show will make a believer of me in its second season. I want to believe.