Chosen One of the Day: Chuck Tingle's nine-dimensional space butt

The butt. It inspires… so many questions. What is it? Where is it? How is it? What is the potential? But the most important one of all is: could there be more? Well, if superstar, mega-popular, award-winning, science fiction erotic author Chuck Tingle is to be believed, the answer to that question is a resounding Y-E-S.

In an instagram video posted this morning, Tingle shared the news that Scientists—yes, Scientists!—have discovered a new kind of butt. Set against the backdrop of images of Actual Science Bros and with some Serious Science Music, the video starts before quickly giving us what we want: hard, cold, butt-facts.

This new butt exists in nine (!!) dimensions at once. I know it’s true because Tingle shows us an image of a boxer-briefs clad butt in a rippling purple-blue galaxy of beautiful stars. But what are those nine dimensions? Even just one would be the Gluteus Maximum amount of FUN. But nine? Proposed names for the nine-dimensional butt:

• Novem Butte
• Bodonkadonkerance  
• Glutes to the Ninth Power
• The Whole Nine Butts
• The Callipygian Nine

Unfortunately, that’s where the good news ends. It turns out that no one can actually “hear, see, or otherwise sense the butt.” This doesn’t stop the scientists, and we, the true believers, from knowing it’s out there, though! I, for one, feel comforted by the notion of a magical, science-based nine-dimensional butt that’s free-floating around somewhere out there. Thanks for the tip, Chuck!... Er, well, the tip remains to be seen. But thanks for the bump, in any case.