Chosen One of the Day: Aladdin’s missing nips

Typically, with these Chosen One of the Day pieces, we like to shine a spotlight on things that actually exist. You know: misandrist space queens or Jakey G.’s Mysterio bangs or underrated video game characters. If we’re not bound by the tenets of reality, then where would we be? COOTD’ing “that time the plot of Winter Soldier ground to a halt for 10 minutes so Cap and Bucky could make out.” We can’t gif that! O that we could.

This particular COOTD, however, I write in the hopes that it will somehow will its subject into existence, Law of Attraction-style. Aladdin's nips! To paraphrase Christian Bale's Batman: WHERE ARE THEYYYYYYYY?

Credit: Warner Bros.

The location of Aladdin's nips has been a mystery since the Disney classic first came out in 1992. Under his iconic purple vest: smooth, unmarked, nipless space. And worse! Aladdin's niplessness is contagious! Just three years after Aladdin hit theatres, Pocahontas' Kocoum was robbed of his nips as well. Was there some sort of nip-specific plague happening at Disney in the '90s? Did a Thanos snap happen behind the scenes, leaving half the characters nipple-less? Or worse: Some characters nipple-less, other characters fully nipped, and an unfortunate few blessed with only a single nip apiece? 

Tell me they didn't get Naveen!

With Disney's live-action Aladdin remake coming down the pike, there was a ray of hope in the nipplesphere. Surely, now that Aladdin was being played by an actual person, Disney would not feel the need to play coy about this run-of-the-mill biological feature. But no! Aladdin wears a shirt in the new movie. I repeat: He wears a shirt! Good for keeping sunburn at bay. Not so good at finally putting to rest the theory that Aladdin is some sort of nipless space alien. 

WHITHER NIPS?!