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43 thoughts we had while watching Devil's Advocate
It's Keanuvember, the blessed holy month wherein we are celebrating THE ONLY GOOD MAN. One way we are kicking this off is to look back at some of his Keanuiest movies and one of those is actually the Pacinoiest movie ever made, The Devil's Advocate. Because. Y'all. This movie is ba.nan.as. There is no better way to greet Keanuvember, or to slough off the remains of Halloween. Strap in and gird your everythings.
1. RIGHT OFF THE BAT — Fun fact: This movie is marketed as both The Devil's Advocate and simply, purely, merely Devil's Advocate. The devil is in the details and the devil said "f*** articles but only sometimes." That's how you know you're in for a MOVIE.
2. FUN FACT #2 AND I HAVEN'T EVEN PUSHED PLAY YET: Joel Schumacher was supposed to direct this. LIKE. IMAGINE. IMAGINE THIS MOVIE. AHHH! WE WERE ROBBED. SATANIC NIPPLES.
3. Dawn Wiener is on the stand talking about her horrific sexual assault and Keanu's client is into it and it's disgusting and awful and Keanu now needs to defend him and destroy her and OUR HERO, EVERYONE.
4. An internet fan theory is that Kevin Lomax's character name is a reference to "low Machs" or low on the scale of Machiavellianism and, cool, fine, what that means is he's low on all that and high on SHAMING A CHILD VICTIM anyway this is literally the first five minutes of the movie.
5. "He's a huge hog beast. He probably eats a thousand pancakes for breakfast." PUT HER IN THE F***ING ELECTRICAL CHAIR.
6. Anyway, a child's life was just destroyed but Charlize is G-DAMN STOKED.
7. OK. So. A representative of a law firm has invited Keanu to come join and he's all "lol you're black" and look I don't remember this movie being this problematic which is weird to say for a devil movie ANYWAY he does and this office is made of stone and fireplaces and Al Pacinos. It's fine, all of it.
8. Pacino's character is named John Milton because this movie is Subtle.
9. Connie Nielsen is there and I know she's evil because of that time she started dating Elliot Stabler coming between him and Olivia Benson. SVU DIE-HARDS NEVER FORGET.
10. Jeffrey Jones is also in this movie and that is the first and last I will be mentioning that, yikes, collar pull, goodbye forever.
11. Al Pacino's office has a rooftop infinity pool and no railings and they are very close to the edge and it's my actual nightmare. I'm dizzy. I hate this. WHERE ARE THE BANISTERS. WHERE ARE THE RAILINGS. WHERE IS THE BUCKET OF XANAX. WHY IS MY LIVING ROOM SPINNING.
12. Charlize Theron: Awkward Hugger. Relatable.
13. In the time I was making that gif the following things happened: Charlize Theron struggled with housepainting (with a series of very ugly shades of green) and Keanu took on a health code violation case that is also clearly about animal sacrifice and devil sh*t. If it wasn't clear before it certainly is now that the prosecution is about to cough up his whole entire spinal column in the middle of the court.
14. "I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt." I mean. She doesn't look that impressed. Her face is very "yes yes that's nice dear yes that's fine sure."
15. I'm very into Keanu and Charlize as awkward Southern new money types. They're adorable.
16. I am EXTRA into Tamara Tunie's outfit.
17. The devil WOULD be that guy who is all "your hair looks fine the way you like it but would look so much better the way I like it, oh look at that, I'm correct, your hair looks better, cut it, I said so, now you'll be f***able, you're welcome, I'm the devil but also a man and therefore correct, HOO-AH."
18. OK the movie is setting up some lawyering but I need to do something more important and that is PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE WHO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT: Tamara Tunie, Connie Nielsen, Ruben Santiago-Hudson, Pamela Gray, John Rothman, Susan Kellerman, Caprice Benedetti, Kim Chan, and Leo Burmester. Many other cast members did OG Law & Order, and Neal Jones, Monica Keena, Debra Monk, and a few others all did two Laws & Orders but not SVU which seems wasteful but fine.
19. Get you a Medical Examiner Melinda Warner who can do both.
20. "First, you do this radical thing to your hair." B*TCH, YOUR BOSS MADE HER DO IT. This movie is basically called Let's Gaslight Charlize.
21. Charlize just turned into Connie Nielsen JUST LIKE OLIVIA BENSON LEFT AND CONNIE NIELSEN TOOK HER PLACE IN ELLIOT STABLER'S LIFE.
22. Can we all agree that "make love to me" is the worst? Like hearing that is possibly more off-putting than your sexual partner changing into different people with each thrust.
23. HOLY SH*T YOU GUYS. OK. SO. LOOK AT THIS APARTMENT.
THAT IS DONALD TRUMP'S APARTMENT. LIKE LEGIT FOR REALS. They presumably removed the stuffed lion to make it more realistic for this devil movie.
24. Keanu is the most delicate gentle soul that does not recognize a very sweaty document shredding when he sees it and is also A Man and only sees concerns when it is related to Business and Himself and not his Clearly Disturbed Wife.
25. Al Pacino just sent a potential train stabber to go stab someone else because devil but also clever? Solid move, tbh.
26. Al Pacino is into threesomes, dancing, and good food and drinks because he's the devil but here's the thing the devil is cool as hell, never forget. I mean, not to defend THE DEVIL, but Keanu did let a child rapist walk long before he met the literal devil so maybe Satan isn't the issue here.
27. This is a crazy expensive fancy NYC apartment with the ugliest worst bathroom I've ever seen, HE IS THE DEVIL.
28. Al Pacino is killing Jeffrey Jones with his mind and I'm fine with it because he sucks.
29. Keanu can't let Craig T. Nelson's alibi take the stand because he knows she's lying, like, DUDE. WHAT KIND OF LAWYER ARE YOU? YOU ARE DEFENDING A LITERAL ACTUAL MURDERMAN. You giddily defending a child rapist! Now you're all moral?! WHAT.
30. OK Charlize is sitting in a church wearing her comforter because she has to do THE BIG REVEAL that she had devilsex and got all cut up and now she's being locked up and now it's Jeffrey Jones's funeral — GOOD — and everyone is doing fashion shows and telling teen girls they look ravishing and Connie Nielsen's boobs are there and Craig T. Nelson is clearly having sex with his step-daughter and I think this is what rich people funerals are like, I don't know.
31. Al Pacino touched holy water and killed a Justice Department guy with his mind. So. That's pretty neat.
32. Y'all this movie is Not Subtle and I don't want to spoil anything for you but AL PACINO IS THE DEVIL and also is KEANU'S REAL DAD. Also, the co-worker lady gave Charlize a mirror for the express purpose of making her kill herself with the mirror so basically the lesson of this movie is lawyer: not even once.
33. I mean he did clear out all the traffic near Sutton Place. Point: Satan.
34. In terms of pure scenery eating, Al Pacino is devouring a calorie count per scene Michael Phelps puts away in a month. It's honestly magic.
35. "All she wanted was love, you were too busy." SATAN GETS IT, KEANU. EVEN THE DEVIL KNOWS MEN ARE TRASH.
36. Oh, also, Connie Nielsen is his sister. So that's fun.
37. Sorry, I'm literally distracted by how GODDAMN GOOD AL PACINO IS IN THIS MOVIE.
38. Keanu and Connie need to just real quick make an antichrist, nbd, she's ovulating, it's fine, just do it for daddy. Also, the walls are moving. Not in a sex way. I don't know what that means in a sex way. But anyway the walls are moving.
39. Did Al make Charlize get rid of her bad perm because Connie Nielsen has the same bad perm and Keanu might not have the bone-power for TWO BAD PERMS? Only one bad perm can exist and it is the one that can produce the antichrist.
40. Keanu and Connie are starting to have sex and Al Pacino is chanting Latin in the background and somehow in this incest devil party, that is the off-putting part.
41. Keanu shoots himself in the head rather than bone-down with his sister and make a demondevil Damien-it's-all-for-you baby which somehow kills Connie Nielsen which how? but also sure fine?
42. OH WAIT IT WAS ALL A DREAM OR WAS IT? Keanu is back in the bathroom at the trial of the horrible teacher and everything is OK OR IS IT?
43. It's not because Keanu cannot help himself and even though he went back in time and recused himself from the teacher case he's still like WAIT AM I STAR? AM I THE HERO OF THIS JOURNEY? And Al is like "lol you dumb b*tch" and that's the end of the movie. I love it.
